


Second Best

by ellekim94



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Can't promise happy ending for everyone, I don't like revealing the story in the tags, M/M, Read at Your Own Risk, So I won't reveal the endgame in the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27697769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellekim94/pseuds/ellekim94
Summary: Taeil tries to be a good friend when Doyoung comes to him and asks for advice on his seemingly blooming love life until Taeil is forced to think about his own inexistent one.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil
Comments: 8
Kudos: 53





	1. Doyoung & Taeil

“So you like him a lot and you think he likes you? Then, what’s the problem, go for it!” Taeil exclaims, not exactly getting where Doyoung’s frustration is coming from. “There are seven billion people in the world. If you’re lucky enough to find someone who likes you just as much as you like them, you should tell him.”

“But what if he rejects me?” Doyoung groans, messing his own hair with both his hands. Fortunately, the day is almost over — at least for most, not for people like him who has problems of the heart that needs another perspective now. He’s been carrying this alone for about three months already and he’s about to explode. Another touch of the hand will seriously make him lose it.

“What if he doesn’t? Seriously, why is everyone’s default question is in the negative side?”

“Maybe because disappointment sucks and keeping your expectations at the bottom is better for anyone’s heart,” Doyoung mutters, pouring himself and Taeil another shot of soju.

“So you’re going to miss this chance of being with maybe the person destined for you because you don’t want to be disappointed and you want to keep your expectations low?” Taeil asks him, downing the shot Doyoung poured for him. “Doyoung, this isn’t about stocks or investments or playing risk averse because there’s a chance the market won’t play in your favor. It’s either you go all in or not at all. You can’t keep playing in the middle. I can’t keep meeting you up because of your to-be-husband I haven’t even met yet, too. If you’re worried he’s going to reject you, it’s normal. Who wants heartbreak? But listen,” Taeil pauses, staring at Doyoung’s eyes as if they haven’t been drinking and going over the same topic, the same questions, the same answers, just in different phrases, for the past hour, and says in all honesty and genuine concern, “what if he doesn’t? What if he’s the one you’ve been waiting for all your life? What if he’s the one who you can bear the morning breath with just because you want to kiss him first thing when you wake up? What if he’s the one who you’re willing to run through rain because rain doesn’t matter when he holds your hand? Don’t you want to at least give yourself that chance to find out?”

Doyoung stares back at Taeil, not knowing what to say.

“You deserve to be happy, Doyoung. And I think he’s making you happy because you wouldn’t worry too much about this if he’s not, if he’s just another fling or a one night stand,” Taeil says with a small smile. “Give yourself that chance.”

Still, Doyoung doesn’t say anything.

“Do you love him?” Taeil asks after a moment.

Doyoung opens his mouth. Then, he closes it. He opens it again, closes it, and then, groans loudly, exasperatedly, and without uttering a confirmation, he knows that Taeil already knows his answer. He sighs, looking at his clenched hands, not an ounce of alcohol affecting his mind when he nods his head and looks up at Taeil again, a weak smile crossing his face.

“Then, tell him,” Taeil says, putting a hand on Doyoung’s shoulder.

Doyoung takes a deep breath and looks at Taeil. “I’ll tell him.”

Taeil smiles, grabbing the soju bottle. He is about to pour themselves another shot when Doyoung continues, saying, “I don’t care if he’s with Jaehyun. They’re not even happy anymore. I’m going to tell him I love him.”

“What?”

Doyoung glances at him and smiles brightly. “Thanks, Taeil. I’m going to tell him. Tomorrow.”

“Sorry, wait,” Taeil says, confusion clouding his face and for the first time tonight, he wonders if the alcohol is kicking in. “Who’s Jaehyun?”

The smile immediately disappears from Doyoung’s face. “His boyfriend,” he says through gritted teeth. “The one who always takes him for granted. The one who’s always making him cry. He can’t even take him on one proper date,” Doyoung scoffs.

“He has a boyfriend?” Taeil asks, just because he is hoping he is still misunderstanding the situation. “How can you leave something important like that?” he can’t help asking.

“It’s not important,” Doyoung insists. “He’s not important,” he even emphasizes. “I love him and I’m going to tell him.”

“You can’t,” Taeil quietly, quickly says with such strange weight as he meets Doyoung’s eyes.

“But I love him. You said —”

“I know what I said. But that’s before I know he’s still in a relationship. He’s already in a relationship. I’m sorry, Doyoung. But your feelings are irrelevant.”

Doyoung’s eyes widen. Maybe it’s because of the alcohol but he’s pretty sure it’s because of Taeil’s last word. “I love him. I am in love with him. My entire body reacts when he’s near and the world will not make sense if not for him. How are my feelings irrelevant?” he demanded.

“It doesn’t matter because he is with someone,” Taeil explained, utterly unfazed.

Doyoung opens his mouth and can’t help the laugh that comes out of his mouth, reaching one hand to his head to mess his hair again, like they’re back to the beginning of the conversation. “What happens to what if he’s the one I’ve been waiting for all my life? What happens to either I go all in or not at all? What happens to I deserve to be happy?” he spats, recalling every word Taeil told him ten minutes ago.

“None of those matter. He has a boyfriend. He’s in a relationship. He’s not available. Why can’t you understand that?” Taeil asks him back, frustrated because he thinks this should not be even up for argument.

“I love him.”

“It’s irrelevant. You don’t mess with someone who is in a relationship. No matter how much their relationship seems to be falling apart. No matter how sad and unsatisfied they already seem to be. No matter what. You don’t wait for them to breakup. You don’t do anything for them to breakup. You give their relationship a chance. You respect them even though it might seem to be most difficult thing to do.”

“Why are you saying that?”

“Because it’s what you’d want anyone to do if you’re in their place,” Taeil whispers, his eyes gentle when he meets Doyoung’s eyes again. He reaches his hand to Doyoung’s shoulder again but the other stands up, almost knocking the bottle of soju on the table.

“Please spare me your bullshit,” Doyoung glowers at him. “You want me to be like you. You want me to stay quiet and be in love with someone who is already in a relationship forever. How long has it been? Six years? Seven years? You’ve been pining over someone who’s in a long-term relationship for seven years, Taeil, and you’re telling me my feelings are irrelevant? What about your feelings? Isn’t it about time you give up now? Because I thought you said these feelings over someone who’s already in a relationship is irrelevant? Or is it that you’re waiting for the day they break up, too?”

Taeil stands up and says, “Calm down, Doyoung.”

But Doyoung pushes him away. He takes a deep breath, meeting Taeil’s eyes with conviction and dissatisfaction that have nothing to do with alcohol, and says, “You have been in love with one person for seven years. And he’s been in a relationship since. You’re a fucking hypocrite.”

Doyoung grabs his coat and leaves, slamming the door behind his back. Taeil looks at the closed door and wonders if Doyoung even remembers they’re at his place. He is a little worried as he picks up the bottle of soju and their glasses and places them on the sink before grabbing his own coat to leave. He figures there’s no need to worry if Doyoung will find his way back because the look in Doyoung’s eyes when he told him what he said last didn’t contain any hint of alcohol infused thinking. He knows he meant everything he said.

Unfortunately, Taeil does, too.


	2. Taeil & Hyuck

Taeil can’t even say he doesn’t expect it coming. It always comes this time of the year but after that talk with Doyoung, he finds himself dragging his feet towards the old pub he always meet Hyuck at. Has it really been seven years? Who is he kidding? He knows exactly how long it’s been. It’s called being pathetic and knowing how long exactly it has been since he fell in love with a person who is already in a relationship and hasn’t managed to fall out of love that person since because he’d rather choose not to be loved back than to love someone else.

Expectedly, Hyuck has already ordered servings three times anyone would need for two normal people but they weren’t normal people, as Taeil mused. Hyuck is probably brokenhearted at the moment because of another fight with his boyfriend, Mark, who also turned to be Hyuck’s friend, because their anniversary is coming up while Taeil… well, he’s in love with Hyuck. There’s no more explanation needed.

Hyuck probably wants to do something extraordinary because honestly, what more can a couple do after seven years in a relationship? Mark probably isn’t too eager with the idea and that comes off as disinterest specifically to Hyuck and that’s probably why Hyuck is half drunk already when Taeil sits across him.

“Taeil!” Hyuck greets him and reaches towards him, almost knocking everything on the table if Taeil didn’t meet him halfway. “I missed you!”

Despite being six years younger than Taeil, Hyuck only calls him by his name. They met each other back in university, sharing one class during that one semester, Hyuck was a freshman and he thought Taeil was, too. Taeil thought it was funny when he was only getting that course because it was needed for his master’s dissertation. They became friends despite the initial age confusion and sometimes, Hyuck would jokingly call him hyung but most of the time, he would just call Taeil with his name. In the beginning, he asked Taeil if he was honestly okay with it and back then, Taeil thought he liked how his name sounded from Hyuck’s mouth.

He probably should have made Hyuck call him hyung.

“You’re already drunk, Hyuck,” Taeil says, a little reprimanding. He is still the older one and sometimes, he likes to act like one.

“I’m not, relax,” Hyuck answers, chuckling a little. The fact that he’s answering in complete thoughts makes Taeil truly loosen up a little. He pours Taeil a drink and asks, “Why are you always busy? I haven’t seen you in ages!”

Maybe because Taeil is trying not to see him, too, even though it’s not Hyuck’s fault that Doyoung is right in some things he said. When Taeil realized he’s falling in love with Hyuck, it’s two months after he first met Mark who Hyuck introduced as his boyfriend. Apparently, they’ve been dating for a year already at that time. He smiled and shook Mark’s hand because Hyuck was beaming, like he was introducing two very important people in his life to each other, and he wanted them to be part of each other’s lives just as much as they both were to his.

At first, he thought he would get over his feelings with Hyuck. He has a fucking boyfriend, after all. He was in a healthy, loving relationship. They would fight like other couple would. They would have misunderstandings but there was never a day that he thought he wanted them to break up because he wanted to be the one with Hyuck.

A year passed, he finished his dissertation. He graduated masters and was supposed to leave the country for another scholarship and a possible career opportunity abroad. Looking back, it was funny because he thought he had put everything behind him, he thought he was ready to face another challenge in his life, he thought he had moved on, but Hyuck came to surprise him on the airport with Mark and their other friends. He came up with the idea that they should see him go because they won’t be seeing each other for a while.

That was the only time Taeil contemplated staying and that was the time he realized he loves Hyuck more than he realized.

He finished his scholarship but he declined the job abroad to come back. He thought he could still find a good job and have a successful career back home. It was two years later since he last saw Hyuck when they surprised him at the airport. He was already a senior in university, graduating, looking more mature, sharper, more attractive, but he still came to the airport to welcome back Taeil.

He was still with Mark, too.

“Don’t exaggerate. It’s only been a couple of months,” Taeil tells him. “So what’s the matter this time?”

“He doesn’t want to go on a cruise,” Hyuck mutters, already looking dejected as a puppy the moment the question that’s the reason for this hang out comes out in the air.

“I can understand. Lots of people disappear on cruises,” Taeil answers with a nod.

“It’s our seventh anniversary!” Hyuck retorts. “Am I a bad boyfriend for wanting to spend it in a luxury cruise with him? Am I asking for too much if I just want him to take seven days off from work so we can be with each other for a whole week, just him and me and the sea? Besides, I haven’t been in a cruise and I’ve always wanted to go to one. I’ve always wanted to go with him.”

Taeil doesn’t understand why he fucking does this. Why he fucking does this to himself. Is it the first time Hyuck has expressed just how much he loves Mark without even using the word itself? It isn’t. He’s heard it a lot of times. He’s heard it too many times to be stupid and to be a masochist.

Does it hurt? Sure, it does. It used to hurt in a grand slam way in the beginning. You know, like when there’s a ton of brick suddenly being dumped to your chest or when you accidentally drink too big of a gulp and suddenly water is spilling in your lungs or when you’ve been underwater too long and you feel like there’s something burning inside your chest? It used to hurt like that. Taeil would still smile throughout, finish the food, finish the conversations, before he would go home, close the door behind him, and cry. Blame himself for falling in love with someone who’s already in a relationship. Call himself an idiot for imprisoning himself in that situation. He would cry and he would fall asleep only to answer Hyuck’s messages in the morning.

It still hurts now but not in that almost unbearable way. It just pinches now. He doesn’t even cry anymore. He’d just stare at his ceiling and wonder what Hyuck is doing until he falls asleep.

“Maybe he has water phobia?” Taeil suggests, wanting to be helpful. He knows Mark loves Hyuck but he doesn’t like seeing Hyuck distressed like this.

“That I didn’t know of for seven years?”

“Or he’s prone to motion sickness?”

“He’s not. He just doesn’t want to come with me,” Hyuck murmurs before drinking again. Taeil doesn’t know how many bottles he’s had but he’s certain that anymore and Hyuck won’t be able to go to work tomorrow.

“You should stop drinking. You still have work tomorrow, Hyuck,” Taeil tells him, grabbing the bottle away from Hyuck’s grasp when he’s reaching for it again.

“You know what? Maybe you should come with me, Taeil,” Hyuck says like it’s the most brilliant idea he’s had and maybe it could be, in another universe, in one where he’s not in a relationship, in one where Taeil doesn’t have an unrequited love for seven years.

Taeil laughs at him because he can laugh at it now even though it still feels hollow inside him whenever he does. There is nowhere in the world he wouldn’t go with Hyuck but not on a day of his anniversary with his boyfriend. “I’m not your boyfriend,” he states. “It’s your anniversary. You should go somewhere special with Mark.”

Being close with Hyuck, this isn’t the first time they’ve had this conversation, whether it’s because Hyuck is drunk, he’s currently having a fight with Mark, or Hyuck is just fooling around. He knows he could have taken a shot. He could have tried. He could have seen how things would work out if he would let himself be careless but Taeil doesn’t want that.

He wants Hyuck with his everything. He thinks of Hyuck and no one but Hyuck but he doesn’t want to be the person to tear Hyuck away from the person he loves the most. He doesn’t want to be Hyuck’s mistake. He doesn’t want to be Hyuck’s regret. He wants Hyuck to be happy. He wants nothing more to be Hyuck’s happiness but if he can’t be that, Taeil will settle for the second best. He’ll protect Hyuck’s happiness.

Taeil ends up driving Hyuck home because he’s too sluggish to drive himself home and he’s stubborn and won’t let Taeil call Mark. He clings to Taeil like his life depends on it until Taeil agrees to drive him home. Hyuck is sleeping when they arrive and Mark is already waiting outside, worried.

Mark helps Hyuck out of the car and Hyuck snuggles his face to Mark’s neck. Even though he’s asleep, he recognizes Mark’s scent.

“Sorry for that, hyung. We had a fight,” Mark apologizes to Taeil when he went outside again to properly greet Taeil after bringing Hyuck to the bed.

“Don’t worry about it,” Taeil says, smiling a little. “He wants to go on a cruise with you.”

“Yeah, I know, but I already planned a trip to Iceland for us. He’s always wanted to see northern lights. I just want to surprise him,” Mark tells him, obviously stressed out as well.

Taeil nods, smiling understandingly. “Well, I think you should talk it out and decide what to do with your anniversary together. Whether it’s northern lights or in a cruise, it’s still better if you’re together, right?”

Mark looks at him like he’s just seen hope in Taeil’s face before he reaches to hug Taeil and says, “Thanks, hyung.”

He supposes it would be easier if Mark isn’t a good person, too, but he is, and these two people love each other. Who is Taeil to stand in their way? Who is Taeil to put his happiness before these two good people?


	3. Doyoung & Taeyong & Jaehyun

“What happened?” It is Doyoung’s frantic breathing and not the call that comes at past two in the morning that instantly wakes up Taeil’s entire body. He hasn’t talked to Doyoung since that night — it’s been weeks now, but Doyoung also doesn’t call him in the wee hours of the morning for nothing.

There are noises in the background, rushed feet, panic shoutings, cries, and the siren of ambulances.

“Doyoung, where are you?”

Taeil isn’t sure how Doyoung answered him when he is pulling a pair of jeans and a jacket, hurrying out of his apartment to go where Doyoung is. It’s not that far but even though he’d usually take thirty minutes to get there, it only took him ten that morning.

There were still a lot of injured people around in what seems to be a multiple vehicle traffic accident when Taeil arrives. It only takes him a few minutes before he sees Doyoung kneeling on the ground, holding an injured person’s hand, one that is lying on the ground.

“Doyoung,” Taeil says, putting a hand on other’s shoulder, relieved that he doesn’t seem to have any serious injury. The person whose hand he is holding looks up at him, too, and besides the obvious wound in his head, he also doesn’t seem to have any other injuries.

Doyoung turns around and hugs Taeil the moment he sees his face. “I’m sorry, I panicked,” he profusely says, “I didn’t know what to do and Taeyong won’t wake up no matter how much I shout and —”

Taeil looks over Doyoung’s shoulder to the person still on the ground, giving him a weak smile.

That’s Taeyong.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Taeil tells him. “I’m glad you’re both okay.”

Taeil doesn’t get to ask Doyoung why he and Taeyong are still together during that time. He doesn’t get to ask him if he did confessed. He doesn’t get to ask because even though his friend and the love of his life are both okay, a lot of people are not and they could use Taeil’s help. He doesn’t get to ask because just when Doyoung was helping Taeyong to one of the ambulances that came later to take people with lesser injuries, Jaehyun arrives.

It’s also that time when Taeyong tries standing up to meet Jaehyun halfway only to fall again, not waking up until he’s at the hospital, and everyone finds out he has metastatic cancer.

To say that Doyoung is devastated is an understatement. He eats, he sleeps, he goes to work, he functions like a normal human being, or whatever is most called normal by society, but his eyes are lost whenever he walks past Taeyong’s hospital room and his eyes are unfocused when he’s not talking to one of his patients. He doesn’t talk that much in the beginning but he doesn’t talk at all now except when it’s absolutely necessary for his work.

Taeil advises him to take some time off work but he only answers, “And not look after Taeyong?”

“You’re not his doctor, Doyoung,” Taeil answers even though he knows Doyoung can be anything at this point, if he can only look after Taeyong.

It goes unsaid and he knows Taeil is only looking after him but he understands the words left unsaid. He’s not Taeyong’s doctor, he’s not Taeyong’s boyfriend, he’s not Taeyong’s anything. He has his doctor, he has Jaehyun, he doesn’t need someone like Doyoung. But despite that, he bits his bottom lip and quietly answers, “I’m fine, Taeil.”

Doyoung leaves Taeil. He doesn’t know where he is going, he just needs to be alone, but he finds himself standing just outside Taeyong’s room. He doesn’t know if the universe hates him because he isn’t sure what hurts more, the way Taeyong breaks down in tears, calling himself things that he doesn’t deserve because of a sickness that shouldn’t have picked him, or the way Jaehyun wraps his arms around Taeyong, whispering at him that he’s beautiful, that he loves him, that he’ll never leave him.

He doesn’t know when his tear first fell, when Taeyong calms down, presses his face on Jaehyun’s shoulder, or when Taeyong tells Jaehyun, “I’m scared.”

Jaehyun isn’t crying but his voice are trembling just as much as Taeyong’s. Doyoung can tell he’s trying to hold himself together for the sake of Taeyong but it still comes out as a sob when he says, “You’ll be fine. We’ll go anywhere you like when you leave the hospital, okay? I already called the office. I’ll take a temporary leave —”

“Jaehyun, no,” Taeyong interrupts him. He knows how much Jaehyun’s work means to him. “Your work —”

“Is not as important as you.”

Taeyong’s eyes water more.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to take you out on a proper date in a long time.” This time, Jaehyun can’t stop the tears, wiping all of it away just as quickly as it falls. “I’m sorry I focused too much on work. I’m sorry I haven’t been paying attention to you. I’m sorry I didn’t notice you are sick. I’m sorry —”

Taeyong brings his hands to Jaehyun’s face, hushing him, calming his down. When tears are no longer clouding Jaehyun’s vision, he looks at Taeyong’s face and cries even more when he sees the understanding in Taeyong’s eyes and the small smile in his lips that is telling him it’s okay.

Doyoung’s entire body is shaking outside that hospital room as he bites the back of his hand to keep himself from making any noise. Three people are crying in that room of the hospital at three in the afternoon that time but unexpectedly, Doyoung feels like he doesn’t belong there. He knows he doesn’t belong there.

He begins to walk away before they hear him, meeting Taeil at the end of the hallway.

One look at Doyoung and Taeil knows he’s made a decision. He walks towards Doyoung and tightly hugs him.

“Does it always hurt like this?”

“No.” Taeil answers and he thinks he can tell Doyoung some other time that it will always pinch but not always like this as though he is dying when he comes to a realization and decision that Taeyong’s happiness is important than his even though that happiness is Jaehyun and not him.


	4. Donghyuck & Mark

“So,” Doyoung begins, glancing sideways at Taeil who is standing beside him, a huge smile plastered on his face, wearing the best suit he could find in about a hundred he had seen in the last two months since he learned about the event, “a wedding?”

He has known Taeil since university, has known him even after graduation, has still known him even after they both started working in the same hospital. He knows Donghyuck, too, that freshman brat who grew up to be a dependable friend to them as well, even though Doyoung still considers him a brat. Of course, he knows Mark as well since he and Donghyuck have always been one plus one.

He has seen Taeil all those years, the subtle affection he has for Donghyuck, the quiet and reserved care that he has not given anybody like he does to Donghyuck, like the younger brother he never had. It is almost passable as platonic had he not seen Taeil cry that one time he saw Donghyuck kiss Mark for the first time after he comes back abroad.

Doyoung should have confronted Taeil, should have asked him what he was doing, should have questioned his feelings for Donghyuck, but Taeil changed after that. Hugs were still common between him and Donghyuck but he now looks straight whenever Donghyuck and Mark would kiss, smiling even, laughing at their public display like all of their other friends would.

He thought it was over back then until he saw Taeil several months ago, they were hanging out as a large group again after a long time, everyone was fooling around just like the old times, and Taeil probably thought no one was paying attention to him but Doyoung was observing. Taeil still had that same look in his eyes the way he’s always had after all these years.

That’s when Doyoung knew.

He stares at Taeil again, standing beside him, feet firm on the ground, and he wonders how can he do it. Doyoung looks at his eyes and sure enough, those eyes haven’t changed. They’re still the same whenever he looks at that one person.

Doyoung looks ahead to where Taeil is smiling at.

Donghyuck is walking towards them.

“Hyung!” Donghyuck greets Doyoung. Then, he quickly turns to Taeil and hugs him. “Taeil, you look so good!”

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Taeil fondly chuckles, returning the hug with equal vigor. “Easy, Hyuck, you’re going to crumple your suit.”

“Mark loves me with or without anyway,” Donghyuck answers cheekily, grinning. “Let’s go inside. Everyone’s already here.” He casually catches Taeil’s hand and pulls him with him. Taeil looks back at Doyoung to catch up to them and he sees the way Doyoung looks at him. He smiles knowingly and looks ahead again.

The wedding is beautiful, like how weddings are supposed to be. There are lots of flowers, the songs are nice, and Donghyuck and Mark are both wearing the perfect white suits to complement the other, looking at each other in such a way that would not be that distracting if Doyoung doesn’t know another person who looks at Donghyuck like that, too.

The service would not be that distracting as well if Doyoung could only look ahead and not at Taeil who is quietly sitting beside him, looking ahead with that same smile in his face.

“How do you do it?” Doyoung can’t help asking.

Taeil doesn’t even turn to him when he answers. “You can love someone and still choose to say goodbye.”

“You’re not saying goodbye though.”

“I am,” Taeil says — and that’s the only time his smile falters, in barely a split second, in barely a blink of an eye. Doyoung could have missed it if he isn’t looking carefully, the way Taeil’s eyes turn mournful in a way that breaks his heart, too. “I am today.”

Doyoung wants to drag Taeil out of that wedding but he knows how much Taeil wants to be there for Donghyuck even though it is probably twisting his insides to the point of not returning to their original form to see this. He bites his bottom lip and wonders why love and relationships are messy. He wonders why people fall in love with people who can’t return their feelings. He wonders why we search all our lives for love. He wonders why can’t we be assigned partners from birth who can be with us for our lifetime. He wonders why people are born to experience pain.

“I always knew I can’t have him,” Taeil quietly whispers. “I stopped hoping a long time ago. I wish that reason had been enough for me to stop loving him.” He was saying that with a sad smile and Doyoung briefly considers dragging him out of there again but Doyoung realizes something.

Taeil only said he’s only saying goodbye.

Doyoung takes a deep breath and looks ahead again. He wonders to himself if he can do the same thing, if he can love someone so deeply without expecting anything in return, if he can love someone that strongly that even though it’s time to say goodbye to the person, he wouldn’t want to say goodbye to the emotion. If he’ll be ready to let go of Taeyong but not the way he feels for him.

More than three months in the hospital, too many therapy sessions to count, tears that have been cried to himself, and a lot of prayers said, Doyoung thinks of the past three months as his personal hell in earth and the most stressful time of his life. He would not have left the hospital all those months if Taeil isn’t constantly forcing him to sleep at home every now and then since Taeyong got admitted.

But today, finally, Taeyong is getting discharged.

Taeyong might have lost his hair, there’s been a significant weight loss which is only something to be expected, but he’s going to live and that’s all Doyoung can ask for. He looks down from the window to see Jaehyun helping Taeyong to the car, flowers and welcome balloons on Taeyong’s hand as he put his arm around Jaehyun’s shoulder to get inside the car.

“Aren’t you going to come down and say goodbye?” Taeil suddenly appears beside Doyoung.

Doyoung shakes his head. “There’s no need,” he answers.

They look down as Jaehyun closes the door after Taeyong and runs to the driver’s seat. Then, the car begins to leave the hospital lot until it’s out of their sight. Doyoung is still looking outside for a couple of minutes like it’s still there though.

“I thought you had confessed,” Taeil quietly says, looking out of the window as well.

“I did.”

“You did?” Taeil asks, shocked. “You told him you love him?”

“Yeah,” Doyoung whispers with a slow nod, still looking outside.

“When?”

“Just now. I let him go, didn’t I?”

That’s only when Taeil glances at Doyoung and notices that his shoulders are shaking. He puts a hand on his shoulder and Doyoung’s shoulders tremble even more. Then, in a broken voice, Doyoung says, “You said it won’t always hurt like this, right? If you’re lying, I’m going to kill you.”

Taeil sadly chuckles because he knows there’s nothing dying at the moment more than Doyoung’s heart. It is not easy to say goodbye or to let go especially when you don’t actually want to but know that you have to.


	5. Johnny

“Have you recently talked to Donghyuck?” Doyoung asks, not even sparing a glance at the person in question beside him, hugging himself instead as the cold seeps through his coat.

“No, I haven’t,” Taeil answers, looking ahead, too. He shivers when there’s a particularly nasty breeze. He doesn’t elaborate that Hyuck is probably still on a honeymoon high even after a month since he and his husband went to his dream cruise trip turned dream cruise honeymoon. He also doesn’t need to elaborate that since the wedding, he’s trying to redirect his life on matters that are not… well, on matters that are not Hyuck. “Have you recently talked to Taeyong?”

Doyoung doesn’t answer and for a second, Taeil thinks the other didn’t hear him. He’s about to glance to make sure Doyoung is still beside him when he hears Doyoung’s answer. “You know I haven’t.”

“Is he alright though?” Taeil asks, genuinely concerned. “He should still visit the hospital every now and then.”

There’s a pause. “He does,” Doyoung truthfully says. “I’m just not around whenever he comes.”

Taeil nods, biting back the question of why Doyoung still knows it despite not being around. It’s a useless question. Doyoung is still worried, he still wants to make sure that Taeyong is okay. That’s not going to disappear anytime soon. It doesn’t work like that.

“He’s doing great though,” Doyoung continues, cheerfulness evident in his voice as compared to before. “I talked to his therapist and she said she’s positive Taeyong will recover in no time.”

Taeil smiles. “That’s good to hear,” he says.

This time, Doyoung turns to him. “I’ll recover, too, Taeil,” he says with a weak smile. “You don’t need to force yourself to come with me to every blind date. I know it’s not your thing and it’s not like I’m going to pull down my pants on anyone who’s going to offer first. You know me.”

Taeil looks like a deer caught in the headlights. He stutters, “I’m not forcing myself!”

“Yeah, you do,” Doyoung chuckles.

“I just want to meet other people, too,” Taeil tries explaining.

“Which explains why guys with chubby cheeks and high pitch laugh are always your choices?”

“What?” Taeil asks, not sounding like he can defend himself from that. “What are you saying?”

“That all your dates so far have some semblance with Donghyuck,” Doyoung doesn’t even miss a beat. He laughs, “I’m just saying, don’t force yourself to move on with me. I know it’s just several months and it’s not exactly a measure whether it’s going to be easy or difficult to forget someone but you’ve been in love with Donghyuck for literally years. You don’t have to force yourself, Taeil.”

Taeil opens his mouth to say something and then closes it again when he decides against it. He looks at Doyoung for a moment before he finally speaks. “I’m not forcing myself, Doyoung,” he gently says. “This is something I need to do, too.”

“I’m not saying you’re forcing yourself to forget and move on. I’m only saying you’re forcing yourself to move on in the same way like I do. You don’t even like blind dates, right? You’ve never gone on one since we met,” Doyoung says, and in true Doyoung fashion, even when he’s worried, he sounds more like reprimanding than caring. It’s good thing Taeil knows better. “Do what you’ve always loved doing. Hiking, camping, or even volunteering somewhere remote. I don’t need you to babysit me while I try to mend my broken heart when you have some healing to do yourself.”

Taeil scoffs, “I’m not babysitting you.”

“Go hike somewhere,” Doyoung states.

“It’s cold.”

“Then camp.”

“There might be bears.”

“Do we have bears in Korea?” Doyoung asks, turning at him with a raised brow.

“I guess I’ll find out,” Taeil softly says. He turns to look at Doyoung who is smiling back at him before he waves. Doyoung is going home while he needs to be at the hospital in a few hours. It’s time to separate. He nods lightly and says, “I’ll see you on Monday.”

He walks the streets of Hongdae, something he hasn’t done in a long time ever since he graduated university. With school and then work, it’s just not something that can fit in his schedule. It’s cold that afternoon. Thank goodness the blind date ended soon. He still has a couple of hours before he needs to be at the hospital.

Taeil walks in the sea of people, couples holding hands, parents running after their kids, people alone like him bristly walking from one point to another, as if careful not to get mixed and associated with people who belong somewhere else. He doesn’t like to walk fast like that, whether he’s with someone or like today when he’s alone. He takes pleasure in walking slowly, in taking in the boutiques he remembers when he was still a student, in the cafes he used to frequent with his friends, in restaurants he remembers whether he tried to eat there with Hyuck or someone else.

It’s mostly with Hyuck.

He stops in front of a particular restaurant away from the main street. It’s small and doesn’t have a lot of chairs, exactly like how he remembers it, but they liked eating there because it has a huge window that isn’t visible from outside. They liked watching people from inside while they eat, making stories of random strangers, creating dialogues, laughing while they eat, being happy.

Taeil doesn’t know how long he has been standing in front of it, just staring and reminiscing when he hears a shriek behind him. Alarmed, he turns around to what seems to be a salon. He has been in the restaurant across it too many times but it’s the first time he notices it’s a salon in front of it. Has it always been there?

He is about to walk away when he sees exactly what’s happening.

Someone’s collapsed on the floor.

He runs inside and immediately registers the middle-aged man, around late forties probably, on the floor of the salon, eyes closed and unconscious. There are people running around inside and he’s stopped by a guy around his age, if not older, taller with long blonde hair who looks warily at him. He doesn’t wait for the guy to say something and says he’s a nurse.

There’s a sigh of relief from the guy as he quickly explains, “I was doing his haircut when he suddenly touched his chest and then, he’s down.”

“Okay, call 112,” Taeil calmly says, dropping to the floor and holding the man’s head on his lap.

Fortunately, it’s only a mild stroke, something Taeil has had experience dealing with on random times at random places. The ambulance arrives in about five minutes and the man is brought to the nearest hospital. The paramedic asks him if he’s coming but Taeil declines since the man has stabilized and he needs to be at the hospital soon anyway.

He grabs his forgotten bag on the side of the salon and is about to leave when he is stopped by a hand on his arm.

“Hey, thanks for that.” It’s the guy with the long blonde hair. Now that Taeil is carefully looking at him, he decides he can’t be older than him. He doesn’t have the dark bags like Taeil’s. There’s a worried, unsure expression in his face and Taeil understands. It’s not everyday someone collapses in front of you.

Taeil shakes his head and offers a small smile. “It’s okay. I just did what I’m supposed to do.”

The guy nods and Taeil moves to leave again.

“Hey,” the guy calls after him. “Do you want,” he pauses, like he’s deciding against it, “Do you want a haircut, maybe? Just as a thanks for earlier.” He sheepishly grins at Taeil.

“Does my hair look that horrible?” Taeil asks.

The guy’s face turns white. “What? No, no!” he immediately says. “It’s just really, I don’t know how to repay you for what you did, and I didn’t want someone dying on my salon — oh my god, just saying it sounded so wrong — but you really helped a lot and I was saved because of you and I want to say thank you.”

“You said it three times already,” Taeil answers easily, smiling.

“Oh.” The guy looks at the floor, not knowing what else to say. For a guy standing at least half a foot taller than Taeil, he looks tiny looking at the floor like that.

“I’m Taeil.”

The guy glances at him again, a little surprised this time. “Um, Johnny,” he returns after a moment, holding out a hand and another sheepish smile.

“Nice to meet you, Johnny,” Taeil takes his hand and shakes it gently. “I’ll come back for that free haircut but right now, I’m going to be late for work. See you soon?”

Johnny’s face brightens and for someone with his height, it’s a little alarming how Taeil finds it adorable. “Yeah, definitely,” he answers with a bright smile. “I’ll see you soon, Taeil!”


End file.
